When your young athlete feels left out

When your young athlete feels left out. Tips and strategies for parent to help them showing up. 

It’s a familiar sinking heart feeling  for many sports parents. Your child trained hard all week, packed their kit with hopeful energy, only to spend a significant part of the game on the bench. Again… 

You notice the slumped shoulders, read their lips with quiet “what’s the point?”, and feel your own frustration bubbling up. You want to make it better, to step in, to protect their confidence. But what will really help them in the long run?

In reality, learning to keep showing up, especially when things feel unfair – is one of the most powerful lessons a young athlete can learn. And you, as a parent, can support your child through the disappointment of limited playtime without losing their love of the game.

1. Pause first and let them feel

It’s tempting to jump into pep talk mode: “You’ll get your chance next time!” or “The coach just didn’t notice you!” But before you reassure, give your child space to feel what they’re feeling.

Try:
“That looked really tough today. Want to talk about it?”
“I saw you cheering for your teammates even though you didn’t get much time. That shows real character.”

This shows them their feelings are valid and safe to express. Emotional resilience starts with emotional permission.

2. Shift the story to things they can control

When a child feels disheartened by their role on the team and not sure what to do to shift the story, help them rewrite the narrative from “I’m not good enough” to “This is just one chapter of my story.”

Ask:
“What do you want to be known for on this team, even if you’re not always starting?”
“What are three things you can control that make you proud, no matter what the coach decides?”

This moves the focus from outcomes to effort, ownership, and internal motivation, the foundations of a performance mindset.

3. Celebrate the small wins

Many of the most powerful sports lessons happen outside the actual match time. If your child turns up with a good attitude, helps a teammate, or pushes hard in practice despite disappointment—celebrate it.

Try saying:
“It would have been easy to give up today, but you didn’t. That’s real grit.”
“Not everyone can keep showing up without recognition. That’s what builds resilience within.”

When you name these moments, you help your child value long-game resilience over short-term applause.

4. Talk about changing roles

Help your child understand that being benched NOW doesn’t define their future. Every team has shifting dynamics, and players move in and out of starting roles all the time (and if that doesn’t happen at all or very rare, then maybe it is time to talk to the coach to understand their reasons)

Explore together:

• What are the habits of the players who earn more time?
• What can we learn from those who waited and broke through?

Help them see that every team has role players, late bloomers, and quiet workhorses—and that success looks different for each.

5. Resist to point fingers and blame

It’s easy to villainise the coach. And maybe you don’t agree with the decisions. But turning the coach into “the enemy” can negatively affect your child’s motivation and trust in the process.

Instead, model perspective-taking:

• “We don’t always see the full picture.”
• “Let’s focus on what you can do, rather than what someone else is or isn’t doing.”

This helps your child build mental flexibility,a key skill in both sport and life.

6. Think long term

Disappointment now doesn’t mean the journey ends here. Use the experience to develop emotional stamina, adaptability, and internal drive.

Longer-term strategies might include:

• Setting small weekly personal goals outside of game time (e.g., “win 5 tackles at training,” “support 2 teammates”).
• Talking about famous athletes who didn’t start early but kept going (Michael Jordan, Marcus Rashford, Ian Wright, the list is long).
• Exploring additional training or mindset coaching to build confidence and control.

7. Model “Keep Showing Up”

Children watch how we respond to our own setbacks. When you face work stress, social friction, or feel sidelined in your own life, share with them your journey: your feelings, thoughts, response and most importantly how you keep showing up.

Say:

• “I didn’t get picked for that project at work, but I’m still turning up and doing my best.
• “Sometimes being a parent feels like being on the bench too. But I keep showing up for you, because I believe in our team.”

To sum it up – helping your child keep going when they feel invisible is not about tough love or empty encouragement. It’s about guiding them to find value in effort, identity in resilience, and pride in process.

Because here’s the truth: the children who learn to show up when it’s hard are the ones who grow into adults who thrive under pressure, bounce back from failure, and lead with purpose.

And isn’t that what sport is really about?

Anoush Davies & the PMU Team
MSc, Certified life and parent coach (PCC, ICF)

Please refer to the PMU articles page for more articles. PMU is committed to helping young athletes, parents, and coaches reach their full potential through psychoeducation, articles, training programs and courses.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.